A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I’m sure it’s fine.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Great acting.. 😂
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.