A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.