A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
mom gave me mine for free
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.