A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”