A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.