A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
S M O L
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I can’t be the only one 😂
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic