a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no