A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.