A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
You Might Also Like
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.