A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Mad Max Arctic Road
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?