a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Who.
Did.
This?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
What?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
can’t bark with your mouth full
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The best shot in the history of golf
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.