A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
This is why I hate group projects
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward