A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]