A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
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Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
That’s classic.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My dad teaching me to drive
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything