A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
yeah 😭
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.