A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
😂🤣😂🤣
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open