[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
this is the best day of my life
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs