A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull