A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The little toadstool has spoken.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job