a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
This is my pinned tweet
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
the world’s most popular steaming services
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway