A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE