A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Probably my best painting.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.