A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.


The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.


WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?


ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?


So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.


ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.


If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.


My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.