A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.