A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on