A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos