A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold