A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You Might Also Like
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
True?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”