a god among men
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.