A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Friends that check up on you >
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”