A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.