A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob