A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.