A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State