A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
remember
only for emergencies
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road