A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*