A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas