A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Meme Monday.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
#TopTip
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying