A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You’ll be OK
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks