A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious