A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on