A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
They grow up so quick
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“Great, now I have to pee.”