A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m


The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there


8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?


“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”


“Because you don’t b-”



Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.


Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”


Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex


Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!