@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

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@a_simpl_man

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@ToriTheMom

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

@goodgrief_rats

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@NotMark___

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

@mrjohndarby

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!