@a_simpl_man Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
@VaguelyFunnyDan A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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@a_simpl_man 
@panmidwest [end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
@ToriTheMom The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
@AndyAsAdjective 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
@CornOnTheGoblin “Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
@goodgrief_rats Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
@NikkiGlaser Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
@NotMark___ Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
@mrjohndarby Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
@IvoryGazelle Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!