A GPS. But for where your story is going.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cinematography is my passion
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*