A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
happy mother’s day❤️
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
waiting for halloween be like:
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…