a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
sir, my pâté if you please
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite