@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

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@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

@SheMightHave

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

@Adyaces

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

@MiddlingMs

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.