A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.
Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.