A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
You Might Also Like
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
sistine chapel
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.