A great tip. #CakeRex
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.