A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
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All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.