A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease