A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
You Might Also Like
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Good Morning.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Give a baker flours on your first date.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.