A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
You Might Also Like
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
What an awful time to have common sense.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation