@ThisLocalHater

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

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@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@Shade510

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

@Shade510

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

@rasm69

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

@imence2

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

@o__0Dev

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.