@ThisLocalHater

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

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@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@Gre_Gone

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

@elunatyk

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

@Cpin42

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

@murrman5

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?